Things I’m Afraid to Tell You…

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That there’s a home in me deeper than flesh, stronger than bone, calmer than trouble, truer than these words.

That I cried in the shower this morning to wash my sins away with salt. Soap and forgiveness only reach so far.

That I don’t understand why people trade their life for money, money for things, and things for half the life they started with. I want a freedom reimbursement for my soul.

That there are times when I don’t feel like I belong in this madhouse of not-now, not-us, not-here. Of tamed desire, neon gods, fake smiles and comfort cages. My soul is a wild thing. My heart — an uncaged song. That I would rather lose the plastic lies I’ve grown to love, and through the cracks of me, become the truth I’ll never lose, or hide.

That I am not a grownup or a serious adult, the only real thing in me is the small child that survived.

That I don’t know how to embrace the darkness, and I need help to memorize the light, to be reminded daily that this too shall pass and something greater will become of us.

That I love you, that I love you, that I love you…

That I have lost my faith in distant gods and falling stars, unless they fit in human chests and make a heaven out of Now.

That I regret all the chances not taken, the beauty not shown, the passion not chased, the heart not invested, the dreams not believed in, enough. That I’m still trying to forgive myself for all the calls my fear didn’t let me answer.

That I am capable of loving deeper, living truer, working smarter, playing harder… And all I need is moments, and every breath is chance, and every day is us. And we are one more shot. 

That I don’t have much time in Life but I still have much Life in me, and I’m still scared of disappearing. So I make Art to help me deal with mystery. And mystery to help me bow in awe. And awe to help me fathom the beautiful unknown.

That I’m not strong or tall or solid or contained, I’m just a one-winged bird that’s learned to love the rain.

That there’s a longing in my bones that can melt glaciers. That there’s a quiet strength in all the weakness I’ve accepted. That there is courage in the broken pieces I’ve rushed to sweep under the rug. 

That I am tired of excuses, sick of fear, blue with maybes, worn out by ifs and dizzy from somedays. I am today, I won’t be put to sleep. 

That I believe in signs and ghosts and soulful otherworlds, and I get letters from the future and love notes from the dead, and every dream is real, and all our thoughts are things, and everything in us, through us, exists.

That I don’t care about your name, your face or size, your bank account, life status, resume, your bloody past or your retirement plan.

The only question worth a heart is “How Much Life?” . . . 

***

 

P.S. What are you afraid of saying out loud? Share it in the comments below…

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Comments

  1. Powerfully beautiful thoughts, Andrea.
    May you always be true to your heart.

  2. Don’t stop……

  3. Mahalo, Muse. You always hit the spot in my head and in my heart. You’re magical and mystical and essential. You’re profound and beautiful. So please take good care of yourself so you’ll remain.
    Aloha.

  4. This was beautiful.
    Touching.
    I feel this way right now.
    I feel all the things you wrote, and I resonate with it all. I am here, but there. I am now and gone. I feel these words as if there were my own.

    Thank-you for your heart, and your mind.
    It inspired me to do some writing of my own.

    hugs,
    -Sam 🙂

    • Andrea Balt says:

      Hi Sam, thank you so much for your sweet feedback. Glad my words resonated and thank you for inspiring me in return.

      Love.

  5. I read your posts as meditations. I inflect, I psuse, I speed up. I reflect upon the affect.

    Your writing is a gift to the whole wide world; yet it also has the power to ignite the latent luminosity of individuals too.

    You are alive, as so few others are, thank you for your fearless pursuit of the authenticity in the continuous string of sacred moments that we call this life. I get to keep more of them when I meditate on your prose.

    The light in me bows to the light in you.

    • Andrea Balt says:

      Bob, your comment brought tears to my eyes. Thank you. You always know exactly what and how to say to soothe, inspire and uplift. I bow back and feel reenergized after every interaction.

      Thank YOU!

      Sending love across the world to fill your Monday. xo

  6. Catherine says:

    SO GRATEFUL you TOLD ME- MUCH LOVE <3

  7. I used to run barefoot endless miles… & still do, but only in my mind. 🙂 Love keeps the heart pounding, forever running wild… & intune with Nature. “That’s what Love will do.” Life

  8. Wonderfully and soulfully spilled. Thank you for sharing your life. I am just beginning to read your work and I am continually challenged at every weakness within me. This is a good thing, a very good thing.

    The past does not define me.
    This cage does not confine me.
    I am free to dance among the stars.

    – andy

  9. This I what I needed in this moment. Thank you so much for this!

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